Love

Being in love is a wonderful feeling. Imagine someone out there just for you and loves you for what you are. The world seems more accepting and you don't feel like you are alone anymore. It is the best thing our God give to mankind. To love and to feel love. I for once knew if I ever fall in love, this person will get the full scale of my love accumulated from years and years of yearning. Poor him, because I love someone rather fiercely. Some might mistaken it for being possesive and obsession. I just feel like I am a little child craving for attention. I regret I never had ever loved a man or anyone except Abg; in this sense a total stranger not related by kin. He had to bear the burden of being the only one I ever love. It is both a previlege and a curse. Whenever I do feel upset or frustrated, I express myself rather eloquently, but through time, I was brash and inconsiderate to people around me. I pity the one who loves me for what I am, for I am disasterous. People cannot figure me out, not even my family at one point. That's the reason I predicted myself living alone with Shiro. Then he came into my life, everything is wonderful. I changed for the better, I even feel alive. I care for everyday I wake up, knowing he cares. I cannot explain how happy my soul is, only God knows it for sure. When I was without love, I know that being in love is going to be tough and unpredictable. I am good at giving advice about love because its easy to see how love works in a third person point of view. Now, imagine floating, swimming and drowning in it. Will you ever make it to the shore and have a happy ending? I am scared being in love because I know for sure I love with vengeance. I express myself rather vividly, people would be scared of me. They think I am mad or I am too daring. Last time, I do not care if people would not accept me for what I am. Now, I do, especially Abg's point of view. I do not want him to hate me but I also want him to know the real me. I am so awkward in love, I think I only confuse him more. At one point, I am scared that he would hate me, God forbid, because I do not think I can survive that blow. I might fall in a downward spiral and let myself consume in the abyss. But maybe I am being a bit hyperbole in my foreshadowing. I know I can survive but it will scar me more if I lose Abg. It is all because I never love anyone dearly as much I love him. I am writing my heart out here because at one point I would stumble upon this post and reflect back again, that for once I have loved someone with all my heart and I do pray that when I read this post again I could smile. I smile because I am with the same person whom I loved before and in years to come. I could also smile for the fact that at one point I do have a heart and I was not a heartless b*tch people always presume I was (I felt like I do even at this very moment). 2toes, even when you are alone, just remember you have Allah. He loves you for what you are. He could let someone love you for what you are and He could also take it away from you; but only to let it be a lesson for you. I know you are scared of being in love and at times you feel insecure. Just trust that person and trust that Allah knows what is best for you. Insha Allah. Amiin.