Come closer to me.. :'3

What I really really want..

Salam! I realized that today and the past few days ago that i actually don't know what i want. I kept on saying to my friends who have boyfriends that they should get married rather than making more maksiat.. I would be stunned when someone asks me 'Why don't you get married, instead?". Usually, i would say, i will but there is no one who really interested in me or a person that i am interested in at that time. A few days ago, there is this guy who said that he is interested in me. Like an ordinary girl, i was happy but later i was sad. He is far away from malaysia. I don't mind being away from my family but everyone around me said that i shouldn't accept him because this kind of people likes to cheat on malay girls. Sincerely, i think this guy is a good guy but i also have my own skeptical. What surprised me more, is that he agreed to marry me when i said that i don't like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.. He actually and really wants to marry me. Is it because he is now in his late 20s or he really think that i am really the one for him. Deep inside of me, i don't mind getting married early but i had my fears. I fear that my husband is fierce and likes to hit women. I am afraid that my husband don't understand me at all. I am afraid that he was pretending to be pious while he actually is a swindler. I don't want to be married to a person who would make me suffer for the rest of my life. From here, you can have a real picture why i don't want to get married. For those who knew me intimately, you would understand why i said all of those words. 

Last time, i wished people would notice me. To be specific, i want boys to notice me. I want them to listen to what i want to say and tell me that i look beautiful. For the last two weeks, i went through a makeover. I changed the way i dressed. Just like what i had predicted, when i entered the dining hall, everyone was looking at me; admire me. At first, i felt awkward. I never had people staring at me or looking at me. It feels like all the eyes are pining on my attire. I enjoyed the attention. Later, i loathe it. I can realized that people started to talk to me nicely and a guy wants to walk to class with me. I don't like it. I am used to be hated and ignored. All that i see from those days are pretense. I decided to change back to the old me. The person whom people wouldn't talk about how beautiful she is or how stylish she is. I like the old me better than the beautiful-but-unhappy me. Yes, from here, i can conclude that, people like when you are pretty and eye-catching but both would not promise much of honesty and you would feel a bit boastful but you can't help it. I think i should be repairing my attitude rather than changing the way i dressed up. People may not like to see me but they would love to talk to me if i am polite and good natured. This is proven when i try some cues of being a polite person. The result is heaven. Everyone was happy with me and i feel happy too. There is one good characteristic that i am still working on that is patience. I'd been a patient person before this, but now i feel fed up of being patient. However, now i want to plant that good attitude in me because it really helps a lot in my daily life.

I made my friends angry at me. I had to admit that i tend to make people around me hate me to the core. I am sensitive when people talk about my weaknesses in inappropriate way. I would burst and i would try to avoid this person so i would not hate he or she for that. Before this, i can handle my temper but now i can't because i can feel that everyone is comparing themselves with me. As we all know, i am not that bright and shiny. I would feel a bit down and started to feel that i am not fit to be in the position i am now. That is when i started to avoid people or being a bit rude sometimes. I was thinking that, these people should know when to be a bit tactful when talking about marks and grades. Everyone wants to be the best, at least to be on the safe side. I am one of them. If i am wrong, please talk to me in a nice way rather than scolding me. I don't like it. I tried my best not to sound patronizing when i want to correct a person; unless they are really rude and made me angry before that. I tried to be patient. Sadly, again and again i failed. I don't know whether this time it is my fault or their fault. If they talk in a nice way, i would have offer a solution. The least i can do is to think what i should do to make things better. Everyone knows that an angry person cannot think straight when he or she is angry. It is better not make a person angry or leave he or she alone until it is time to cool down. That is not hard isn't it? Well, easy to say than done....

String my Tears to a Melody

You can never run away from the past, it always manage to surprise you in ways that you could never imagine.

I had experienced something which reminds me of my dark past. Nothing was so horrible about it but I was shocked and broke down to tears after I ran away from the scene. I can't help it. The harshness and the glare makes me want to cry again and again until I feel secured and safe. I always think that I can run away from my past, somehow I can't. It came in many different forms and kept on jumping from the bushes to remind me that they are still there to lurk into my peaceful thoughts and comfort heart. Being in a new place made me feel the freedom I had always dreamed from the day the word 'hurt' and 'pain' etched in my very heart and skin. Yes, my skin are the witness of my insanity and my personality is a product of unstable mind. Everytime I tried to push the unpleasant memories away, from solid truth, they melt through my fingers and bloodied my dear soul till the abyss of my self constraint. I can't control myself anymore, so I cried and I cried. I force my strings of tears to come out until they are gone in my own lonely corner. In the dark, I can only hear my sobs and my hiccups. I don't want to show to my friend that I am sad. I can't. It is not their fault that I am this sensitive. It is not their fault I am this way. Allah made me this way so I have to be brave. I have to be patient and I have to pray. I cried His name in coarse voice "Ya Allah, please don't let me meet such people again. I am only afraid of You and only You can make this scary things go away."