Aku Seorang Pendosa

Something happened. It was not under duress but my lack of judgement and caught in the heat of the moment thing. Its true that we do bad things, we dont feel the weigh if the sins until it dawns to you that all that pleasure is nothing but pure black sin. Ya Allah, what have I done? What did I do it? I tried to figure out how did it come to that. I was there when it happened and now things escalated so quickly, I am out of breath and I feel like I am drowning. I am caught in the middle of situations in which i want something but i cant get it until I pay for the price. Still, i took the back hand and play the bad guy. Everything happened seemed like a dream, I was happy and felt relief but later I feel dread. I am scared that the wrath of Allah will be upon me. I did something wrong, now i have to compansate for my wrongdoing. I am scared of what will happen to my plans for a happy life. Why did i not just wait till the time comes and reap what i had sown? Why was I greedy? Why did I always make stupid brashful decisions? Why did i allow it to happened? Maybe Allah wants to show me, for what i really am. A bitch that dont deserve a better life, a better plan, nor a better ending. It wouldnt change a thing, even when i slap myself in the face hundreds and hundreds of times. Ya Allah, please forgive me. You the All Seer, has seen how i acted. I am so ashamed of myself. I am so so so ashamed of me. I know i cant rewind what i did and make anew, please, please Ya Allah, forgive this pitiful servant of her sins.

Terhegeh-hegeh

Let me just get this freaking situation straight. How is it that I am perfectly available to reply his message while he takes his blissful time to do so? Eh, 2toes tak perlu lah nak buruk prasangka sangat, dia sibuk. WTF is sibuk? Cbuk? Busy? Bz? Haha. Very funny tho. Its like saying that you need to end the conversation as soon as possible because you are bz and cbuk. Go ahead. Just wait till I am busy. Dont worry, honey, I am not like that. I push that sort of bz and cbuk notion just to be with you. To make you feel special because you are. Sadly, what you did all these time makes me wonder again and again if I am one of your VIP priorities. Maybe I am not, yet you have confessed repetitively how deep is your love for me. Honey, I dont understand your kind of love, the one that makes me feel neglected sometimes. Am I asking too much? I know that you are loyal and caring but honey you do have something on the side. A mistress, your freaking kryptonite; WORK. She was so freaking demanding, I cant even win that fight coz I am the bad guy in your DC Universe. We texted just now, I thought, 'Owh babe, you are awake, bright eyes and bushy tail. Oh, we are going to talk for awhile'. Haha. F*ck no. It was brief just like a roll call in which we outlined what we will do. Its like running to a checklist, you got this tick*, i got that tick*. Owh yeah, just realised his text about going to see his family in the evening. Okay. Should I be happy? Okay, I can be happy. Somebody draw something on this smiley, 😶. I read a book about the personality of our dear Propeht SAW and his companions. I do envy Abu Bakr, he is one patient man. How can you be so furiously angry and not a single twitch of rage reflected on your face? I say this companion has the patience of a rock or an asteriod. The book mentioned that you can choose to be upset or you can choose not to be. I did that before, and it was freaking awesome. Freaking awesome coz it works. I was like what those orang put say, a freaking Buddha Dalai Lama sort of patience. The trick is when something upsets you, for the mere 1-2 seconds of emotional reaction, you make the choice either to be mad about it or just chill and move on. I should try that some time. I will be so freaking cool like a cucumber, i might have slices of that round-watery vegetable around my freaking eyes and drinking a glass of cold Sunkist Tropical. Lol, thats me being chill when I found out my Golden Chariot was scratched and bumped multiple times. Sabr..sabr.. I should keep my surprising unpredictable demeanor instead. That is what gives my conviction more impact. Yeah, I am heartless unpredictable b*tch. This girl aint for the fainted heart. This girl needs a heart of steel with the core of fluffy-ness inside. Are you in, honey? Let's get this joyride a spin, you will see if its worth your time.

Reflection

Oct 1, 2013. Tuesday. I have many experiences in making decisions in life. Surely, some I do regret, some I dont. However, today I made another decision in life that I think is what I really need to do to save the hearts of people whom I love dearly. Sometimes, being with people that you love could hurt you and what they did, whether conscious or unconciously, could break our hearts over and over again. At times, we just do not want to open up to people close to us so that they will not be burdened with our problems and so on. I know I am rambling nonsense but I just can't find my own sanctuary to express my feelings. I am in love and wanted to be loved. But only end up heartbroken over and over again. GOD!! It hurts, eventhough in a small degree but everything seems to build up and i can't think of a place to exert my emotions. I have to distance myself with people that i love the most just so that I dont hurt myself. I know that I am a selfish bitch. But that is just me. If I cant be what I am, that should I be? Appealing to the eyes of public scrutiny or being dead wrong about everything that people seems to expect me to do and decide for myself. Oh Allah, I dont know of the things that I wanted to do for this insignificant life. It seems so hard to breath anymore as I make every steps towards maturity. Wanting to be loved by a soul mate is so out of the question. Why my life can be so depressing to the point I wanted to just run and scream with all my might to the world around me to stop fucking playing with my emotions. Why that I feel so different from others? I am not in highschool anymore but why I still feel like I am the outcast? Why I cant I have a chance to love a person that I wanted to love. Why cant everything fall into place as they suppose to like in novels and shortstories? I am so done with unpredictable conflicts and dramas? Should I pay someone to love me? Should I offer my mortality to enjoy minutes of bliss resulting a painful suffering in Hell? I cant make up my mind. It is all about decisions and what are the consequences that come after that. I have to admit, I am afraid of everthing that I have to make up my mind for. I am afraid what life has for me in the future. The word 'future' is a taboo for me. My head kept on analysing, calculating and inferencing every steps that I take and every move that I make. This is killing me from the inside that I feel like I want to burst like fireworks up in the dark sky. At times, I wish I am dead. Nothing to worry. People would not miss me that much. I had never did anything that is worth thinking about. They would think of me being nonsensical when I talk about being dead. Yes, say what you want to say. Shoot where you want to shoot. Juz keep me out of the target zone. P/s I wrote this as a draft on 1st of Oct 2013. Wow, I was so negative back then, but I am not that pessimistic anymore. People do change through time and alhamdulillah I am part of that change. I hope I could be better now that I found my love; we had a row because of my bitching attitude. I do hope Abg could forgive my selfishness and unpredictable misdemeanor. I will be better at this, I always do. INSHA ALLAH.

Love

Being in love is a wonderful feeling. Imagine someone out there just for you and loves you for what you are. The world seems more accepting and you don't feel like you are alone anymore. It is the best thing our God give to mankind. To love and to feel love. I for once knew if I ever fall in love, this person will get the full scale of my love accumulated from years and years of yearning. Poor him, because I love someone rather fiercely. Some might mistaken it for being possesive and obsession. I just feel like I am a little child craving for attention. I regret I never had ever loved a man or anyone except Abg; in this sense a total stranger not related by kin. He had to bear the burden of being the only one I ever love. It is both a previlege and a curse. Whenever I do feel upset or frustrated, I express myself rather eloquently, but through time, I was brash and inconsiderate to people around me. I pity the one who loves me for what I am, for I am disasterous. People cannot figure me out, not even my family at one point. That's the reason I predicted myself living alone with Shiro. Then he came into my life, everything is wonderful. I changed for the better, I even feel alive. I care for everyday I wake up, knowing he cares. I cannot explain how happy my soul is, only God knows it for sure. When I was without love, I know that being in love is going to be tough and unpredictable. I am good at giving advice about love because its easy to see how love works in a third person point of view. Now, imagine floating, swimming and drowning in it. Will you ever make it to the shore and have a happy ending? I am scared being in love because I know for sure I love with vengeance. I express myself rather vividly, people would be scared of me. They think I am mad or I am too daring. Last time, I do not care if people would not accept me for what I am. Now, I do, especially Abg's point of view. I do not want him to hate me but I also want him to know the real me. I am so awkward in love, I think I only confuse him more. At one point, I am scared that he would hate me, God forbid, because I do not think I can survive that blow. I might fall in a downward spiral and let myself consume in the abyss. But maybe I am being a bit hyperbole in my foreshadowing. I know I can survive but it will scar me more if I lose Abg. It is all because I never love anyone dearly as much I love him. I am writing my heart out here because at one point I would stumble upon this post and reflect back again, that for once I have loved someone with all my heart and I do pray that when I read this post again I could smile. I smile because I am with the same person whom I loved before and in years to come. I could also smile for the fact that at one point I do have a heart and I was not a heartless b*tch people always presume I was (I felt like I do even at this very moment). 2toes, even when you are alone, just remember you have Allah. He loves you for what you are. He could let someone love you for what you are and He could also take it away from you; but only to let it be a lesson for you. I know you are scared of being in love and at times you feel insecure. Just trust that person and trust that Allah knows what is best for you. Insha Allah. Amiin.

Heartless

I have a cat. Her name is Shiro. Eventhough I am her owner, but I knew from the start she owns me. We own each other. We have each others back. We suppose to have each others back, but I failed my part. Recently, at the end of Eid ul Adha, I was sending my mother, my sister and her children back to their place. I left Shiro to fend for herself while I was away. I thought leaving her at home with ample food and water would suffice. It was selfish of me. When I came back home, asking my boyfriend to send me. I entered my house with drips and puddles of blood around the house. Being scaredy cat, I was terrified and thought it was something supernatural. I checked on Shiro, she seemed fine at that time. She was meowing like she used to when she saw me and scratched on the same spot on my white leather-like sofa. I decided to stay over at my aunt's house. I stayed and had my jolly good time there while Shiro stayed at home. I came two days after that to take some stuffs and to clean up new but little stains after the first day I came; which were quite a lot. I let Shiro out because she seemed quite keen to move out of the house, maybe for some fresh air or something; I thought. Came the next two days, she was around but just for awhile and left. The next day,l after that, I came hoping to see her but she was not around. Finally, I have decided that it was nothing and came back to stay for the night with my sister's company. When I came later in the evening to stay for the night, I saw her waiting meekly at my front door. She was weak, her beautiful silvery fur was stained and her eyes were tired and red. She looked so sad. That is when I realized what a bad owner I am. I opened the door,to let her in. She saw me, I picked her up and brought her inside. After settling down, I took a look at her and realized that her rear seemed dirty and sticky. I brought her close to me and examined het rear. It was shocking to see that her rear produced some pus like liquid. I pinched and the liquid oozed out. It was dreadful. I planned to take her to the vet soon. That night she slept close to me like she was during the Eid ul Adha week. Being selfish, yet again, I delayed my intention because I was occupied with work at school. I only showered her and cleaned her up to see if the liquid is just a minor secretion. Soon, I had a feeling that it was not.I noticed that she did not even touch her food and I saw that she peed little and there was no poo since I brought her in. I brought her to the vet yesterday. I googled and found a good vet close to home. I took her after I came back from work. She was looking rather lethargic. At the vet, the doctor diagnosed that she might have some problem with her lady parts and there was a bump around her midriff. The doctor suggested a surgery to identify what the bump is. I had to leave her to spend the night at the vet while waiting for her surgery on the next day. Today, I enquire the clinic about my cat. I was shocked that she was pregnant. It was devastating to hear that her baby died in her womb and it had been so long that it accumulated pus around the area. I reflected in the first day I saw drips of blood around the house and I thought of her. How neglectful I was of her. How shameful I was to not be more empathic and sensitive with beings around me, especially for Shiro. Now, the doctor said that she really had to remove the unborn kitten and the womb. That was it. The thing that slapped me hard on my face. It made me question my sense of empathy. Heartless, that is what I am. A close friend of mine called me heartless. Maybe she didnt know the true meaning of the word, but it weighs a lot of impact to me. I am a heartless person.