Yes, I am afraid..

It has been a long time I haven't write anything in here.. Sometimes i forgot that i had a blog. Today, just like one of my moody day, I feel bad and sad. For no concrete reason, i cried and cried. I cried when i was walking to a sister's apartment to take forgotten phone and watch, i cried in the IH library and i also cried while i was talking to my sister. It has been a very wet day for me and i am being a wet blanket to myself. Honestly, i can't figure out how to overcome this problem of mine; crying for no reason. I call it crying for no reason because people always think that i cried for something trivial or being too sensitive over simple things. I am a woman and i have to admit that the only thing that makes me better (i think) is to cry... alone... Well, i don't want people to see me crying because i look so ugly when i cry. But i am also ugly when i am angry. My brows furrowed and everything in my face feel so tight and stressed. I hate being angry and sad.. Both situation make me cry in the end.. 

Yes, i am afraid.. Yerp, that's my topic for today.. Actually, i simply put this topic for no reason. Anyway, I think the thing that i am afraid of is that i will have to suffer all my life without feeling happy. Let's take for example, if i were to marry a total jerk, i will suffer my whole marriage life with him.. I don't want that... Every decision that i make will impact in what will happen in my future.. That's sucks, right? Too bad that i can't turn back time. If i can, there are a lot of things i wanted to change to make my life better and promising. Ya Allah! It sounds like i am being ungrateful. Nauzubillahiminzalik!!! 

Ya Allah, promise me that what ever you give to me is something that will level up my love for you. Someone told me that it is bad to think that i want to do something which they think is wrong. But that is what i hope to have. I can't think of any one as good or half or quarter as good as my beloved Prophet Muhammad pbuh. If i were to find someone like that, i do hope i can be by his side. Insyallah! 

Ya Allah, I am trying to be optimistic and i am grateful that you have given me sisters and brothers that love me dearly. Without them, i don't think i can stay sane and move on. Alhamdulillah, I have you to pray to and to lean on. :)