I don't really know what i should say over here. I am angry and sad at the same time. First, the guy that i liked had a girlfriend. Second, someone that i love give me an uneasy comment about my attempt during the holiday while i wished for a compliment. Third, I didn't get a good mark for the assignment that i received.
Let's talk about the first one.
1) I had liked this particular person for so long. I don't even had a nerve to talk to him when i am with him. When i am able to, i got to know that he got someone special. Of course she is much prettier than me.. probably much more smarter and brilliant than me. Even though i am in a foreign university, i am still not that excellent.. (i'll explain this later in the third statement.) What am i lack of? why is it so hard to have someone i like to like me back? Am i too fierce? Am i too untactful? am i not flirtatious? i hate this damn feeling that i am not in the state of being liked. I want to please people around me.... for girls.. i think in that area i am just ok.. but for boys... they are hard for me to please.. I am like the north magnet meeting one of its kind when i am near a boy or a group of boys.... i am starting to hate them more when they didnt talk to me and greet the person beside me rather than i. Am i not friendly enough? do i always had a sulky face when i walk?..... i do try to greet them, but some of them dont seem like to do it. Over here, i dont have anyone that i liked the most other than the guy i talked about earlier. Honestly, i want to have that feeling again. the feeling to love and hopefully the feeling to be loved back. I do have someone i dislike; he kept staring at me and i had a feeling that he likes me. But the problem is i dont like him and i hate to the notion of being liked by him.... for me it is disgusting and revolting at the same time... now, i got the feeling that he tries to be near to me during lectures and others.. owh, please!!!! i really hate it.. he looks like half stalker and half colleagues at the same time... I used to say that i dont care about not having someone to be affectionate to; however, i really want to have one... him liking me and i liking him.... guess everything that i want, will never come true..
2) About the second thing that i feel angry and sad about is pertaining to the person that i loved dearly. this person never compliment me whenever i wished for one. Sometimes this person does it, sometimes doesn't. At this moment i really need some compliments or praises just to make me feel better and appreciate my talents while i still can.. I still can't believe i am taking the line of work i am now.. it feels so wrong like i don't belong here at all.. everything that i do and had done show that i am not cut out for this kind of occupation.... i lost my hopes and aspirations.. i don't know where to look anymore.. i can't even look at myself in the mirror too long because i realize that i am so different from all of my friends; looks, personality, intelligences and communication abilities and etc.. at least some encouragement from someone that i love would make me feel a warm ray of light in today's cold windy autumn. I feel so cold inside and am colder due to the weather. Even if i take a hot shower, i will end up cold again. I need a prime reason for me being here.. i had never made up my mind yet on what i want to do with my life.. i always turn to other people when it comes to making decisions.. i am afraid to fail, but still i fail even though i follow others.. maybe i follow others because i had someone to blame when i fall flat on the floor. maybe i follow others because i want them to solve the problem and just wait and follow them again for what ever the solution they come up with. Whether the people that i love are near or far.. for me it is just the same..... same goes if i am to pour my hearts out in here or to another person.. i still think that nothing changed... I want an impact or a turning point where i am 100% determine to make the best in everything i do... when will i have that? I don't know... I am tired of my life right now.. i just feel like moving to another places and do what i really want to do... (sing, knit, crocheting, gardening, cooking, tailoring.... these are the things that i believe i am good at)... would that be nice.. but it would be nicer if the people that i love support everything that i want to do rather than laughing at me and criticize me for being "silly" and my talents are not "worth the money". The job that i am going to be in the future is not that bad, to be honest. I love teaching other people but i think i am more on being a personal tutor rather than a teacher for 20-50 students per class.. i had a feeling that i can't handle it.. i can't communicate well with other people esp males; so, that is one of the minuses. If only someone could give me an idea on how i am to lead my life, i would really appreciate that.
3) I didn't get a satisfactory mark for my assignment.. i am so down because it is the only assignment that i really pour my whole effort in.. i did the same mistake again.. i am being too general in answering the questions and never think forward but more on "what will happen/ you do now". Presently, i am too afraid to know the result of the other assignments that i had handed in. how i wish that i can be better than now.. and how i wish even more that i know how to make it better.. and i want to be able to do what i want to do; just to add on the wishing list.
in the end, i still am feeling not-so-good right now after all of this typing and extracting my emotions in this blog.. like i said earlier.. nobody read this plain.. dull... not-so-interesting blog.. therefore, i am writing this for my dear Allah swt and myself as a self-improvement and future reference.... i dont want any comment.. damn.. of course there is no comment when there is nobody interested in reading your blog 2toes... well, i dun care... and y should i care now... i care about me and myself.. (it is the same thing dummy).. :'3
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