Happy Burp-day didi!!!

Comments from pYzam.com

I am just a bird...

I am just a bird

which flaps its little wings

swinging in the cold autumn air

breathing heavily

"let the wind brings

me where ever she please"

i whispered in my dotted warmth

covered by tiny strands of feathers

the wind is so cold

but my heart is colder

should i perch on a shoulder

of this person?

; he looks so kind

i flew 

he shooed

i flew again

he walked away

i am just a bird

shivering in the autumn air

colder as it seems

colder as my heart grieves..

-20/4/2010_20:42pm-

Frustration is my key to anger..

I don't really know what i should say over here. I am angry and sad at the same time. First, the guy that i liked had a girlfriend. Second, someone that i love give me an uneasy comment about my attempt during the holiday while i wished for a compliment. Third, I didn't get a good mark for the assignment that i received. 

Let's talk about the first one.

1) I had liked this particular person for so long. I don't even had a nerve to talk to him when i am with him. When i am able to, i got to know that he got someone special. Of course she is much prettier than me.. probably much more smarter and brilliant than me. Even though i am in a foreign university, i am still not that excellent.. (i'll explain this later in the third statement.) What am i lack of? why is it so hard to have someone i like to like me back? Am i too fierce? Am i too untactful? am i not flirtatious? i hate this damn feeling that i am not in the state of being liked. I want to please people around me.... for girls.. i think in that area i am just ok.. but for boys... they are hard for me to please.. I am like the north magnet meeting one of its kind when i am near a boy or a group of boys.... i am starting to hate them more when they didnt talk to me and greet the person beside me rather than i. Am i not friendly enough? do i always had a sulky face when i walk?..... i do try to greet them, but some of them dont seem like to do it. Over here, i dont have anyone that i liked the most other than the guy i talked about earlier. Honestly, i want to have that feeling again. the feeling to love and hopefully the feeling to be loved back. I do have someone i dislike; he kept staring at me and i had a feeling that he likes me. But the problem is i dont like him and i hate to the notion of being liked by him.... for me it is disgusting and revolting at the same time... now, i got the feeling that he tries to be near to me during lectures and others.. owh, please!!!! i really hate it.. he looks like half stalker and half colleagues at the same time... I used to say that i dont care about not having someone to be affectionate to; however, i really want to have one... him liking me and i liking him.... guess everything that i want, will never come true.. 

2) About the second thing that i feel angry and sad about is pertaining to the person that i loved dearly. this person never compliment me whenever i wished for one. Sometimes this person does it, sometimes doesn't. At this moment i really need some compliments or praises just to make me feel better and appreciate my talents while i still can.. I still can't believe i am taking the line of work i am now.. it feels so wrong like i don't belong here at all.. everything that i do and had done show that i am not cut out for this kind of occupation.... i lost my hopes and aspirations.. i don't know where to look anymore.. i can't even look at myself in the mirror too long because i realize that i am so different from all of my friends; looks, personality, intelligences and communication abilities and etc.. at least some encouragement from someone that i love would make me feel a warm ray of light in today's cold windy autumn. I feel so cold inside and am colder due to the weather. Even if i take a hot shower, i will end up cold again. I need a prime reason for me being here.. i had never made up my mind yet on what i want to do with my life.. i always turn to other people when it comes to making decisions.. i am afraid to fail, but still i fail even though i follow others.. maybe i follow others because i had someone to blame when i fall flat on the floor. maybe i follow others because i want them to solve the problem and just wait and follow them again for what ever the solution they come up with. Whether the people that i love are near or far.. for me it is just the same..... same goes if i am to pour my hearts out in here or to another person.. i still think that nothing changed... I want an impact or a turning point where i am 100% determine to make the best in everything i do... when will i have that? I don't know... I am tired of my life right now.. i just feel like moving to another places and do what i really want to do... (sing, knit, crocheting, gardening, cooking, tailoring.... these are the things that i believe i am good at)... would that be nice.. but it would be nicer if the people that i love support everything that i want to do rather than laughing at me and criticize me for being "silly" and my talents are not "worth the money". The job that i am going to be in the future is not that bad, to be honest. I love teaching other people but i think i am more on being a personal tutor rather than a teacher for 20-50 students per class.. i had a feeling that i can't handle it.. i can't communicate well with other people esp males; so, that is one of the minuses. If only someone could give me an idea on how i am to lead my life, i would really appreciate that. 

3) I didn't get a satisfactory mark for my assignment.. i am so down because it is the only assignment that i really pour my whole effort in.. i did the same mistake again.. i am being too general in answering the questions and never think forward but more on "what will happen/ you do now". Presently, i am too afraid to know the result of the other assignments that i had handed in. how i wish that i can be better than now.. and how i wish even more that i know how to make it better.. and i want to be able to do what i want to do; just to add on the wishing list.

         in the end, i still am feeling not-so-good right now after all of this typing and extracting my emotions in this blog.. like i said earlier.. nobody read this plain.. dull... not-so-interesting blog.. therefore, i am writing this for my dear Allah swt and myself as a self-improvement and future reference.... i dont want any comment.. damn.. of course there is no comment when there is nobody interested in reading your blog 2toes... well, i dun care... and y should i care now... i care about me and myself.. (it is the same thing dummy).. :'3

Knitting is my thing....

Well, for years i had planned on to learn knitting and now i've got it.. The first masterpiece which everyone would envy me.. Hahaha. It was tiring at first but when you get used to it, it'll grow into you.. like usual, using one of my favourite colour ; purple, i started knitting since the twilight of my birthday.. YEAH! this is my birthday present to myself, the skill of knitting. A very useful skill, the one that i am dying to learn other than crochet..(i sucks at crocheting.. maybe because i am a bit stressful.. NOW, BEHOLD TO SEE MY NEWEST CREATION.. A LAPPY WIPER..i had just finished it this morning.. it is not perfect but still it looks ok.. for now.. hahah..

mY Lovely songs... huhu.. i just like their songs.. (i mean the music..i dun care about the lyrics..)

BAD GIRL - BEAST

I'm heart sick, heal me, be crazy, can't let you go
Sad love song, my love's gone, please baby, don't go far
So beast

Down, down, we gotta get down, down, down, we gotta get down
Down, down, we gotta get down, I want ya, come to me, girl
Down, down, we gotta get down, down, down, we gotta get down
Down, down, we gotta get down, I want ya, come to me, girl

Niga tteonan jarie seupeumi gadeukhae
Naman dugo tteona beorimyeon nan eotteokhae
Shigani jinagado ni eolguri jakku tteo olla
Meoriga binggeul binggeul doneunde

Eojega majimak kiss, neol jabji mothan nae miss
Modeunge kkumi gil please, nan geunyang babo baboga dwin geot gata
Sorichyeo sorichyeo bulleo butjapgo butjapgo shipeodo
Hey, hey, hey, girl, dorawa jweo please, my hate girl

Amuri saeng gakhaedo maldo andwae, bad girl
Jakkuman ni saenggage michyeo michyeo, bad girl
Tteonaji mallago nege sorichyeodo
Dwi dora bojido anhneun, bad girl

G-O-N-E niga tteonani jal gadeon shigyedo stop gwaenhi
Nae gwieseo deullineun like our story, so sick
Hanttaeneun my, my lady niga eobseo ureo nan daily
Ajik ni jarineun biweo dulge girl C-O-M-E

Miweohan ji harumane geuriweojyeo
Ni saenggage nae eolguri nunmullo beonjyeo
Neol butjabeuryeo hamyeon neo ege daga galsurok deo
Naegeseo meolli meolli ganeunde

Dashi dolligin neomu nujeo borin geot gatae
Ni moksori ga naegeseo jakku meoreo jineunde
Sorichyeo sorichyeo bulleo butjapgo butjapgo shipeodo
Hey, hey, hey, girl, dorawa jweo please, my hate girl

Amuri saeng gakhaedo maldo andwae, bad girl
Jakkuman ni saenggage michyeo michyeo, bad girl
Tteonaji mallago nege sorichyeodo
Dwi dora bojido anhneun, bad girl

Yeotaekkeot niga haetdeon modeun mal
Hansungan modeun geda geojitmal
Ni mameul dwi dolliryeo halsurok
Naegeseo han georeumsshik meoreojyeo ganeun neo

Amuri saeng gakhaedo maldo andwae, bad girl
Jakkuman ni saenggage michyeo michyeo, bad girl
Tteonaji mallago nege sorichyeodo
Dwi dora bojido anhneun, bad girl

Down, down, we gotta get down, down, down, we gotta get down
Down, down, we gotta get down, na honjaman tto seulpeo hae
(naege dorawajweo)
Down, down, we gotta get down, down, down, we gotta get down
Down, down, we gotta get down, I want ya, come to me, girl




P/s I don't know what happened to the widget.. it is like an oversized video.. if you don't like it, just drag yourself to youtube..i met them there tooo..

a happy burp day to tikiy!!! eventhough it is still early...huhu

MySpace Graphics

I am bored to the maximum temperature....

Sometimes.. When nobody bothered to come to your blog.. you can just say what ever you want to say... Now 2toes will say what ever she wanted to say because nobody cares anyway.. I don't want to be popular nor i want to be known... Before this i feel inferior to all people that i ever met and never really see what i am worth for.. today.. i want to talk about self-worth.. Because nobody see this post.. this post will be a reminder for myself and myself only.. If you are not me.. Get your darn eyes off my blog.. I really mean it...

Self worth is when you appreciate yourself without condition.. but don't get the wrong idea.. it does not mean narcissist or anything.. when you feel good about yourself you will do better in life. Wanna know why? WHY???

When you feel good about yourself:

1) you will know what you are bad at and know how to overcome it..
For example: I know that I am not good in writing essays (well, essays sucks in many different ways!! >o<); so, i will force myself to look at my assignments everyday till I got the chill down my bone. Wanna know why??? Cause i tend to get nervous when there are a lot of works to do and i will start doing it.. Another thing i would do is to make a mark at my wall calender of the due date for those assignments.. BELIEVE ME!!! This one works.. I will surely sigh and open up my assignments sheets...

2) You will know what you are good at....
For instance: I know i am good at singing and making jokes (bad jokes actually, people dont laugh anyways...). therefore, i will sing whenever there is an opportunity.. (hey, i am a 'yes' girl, i never say no to singing), so i sing.. yesterday i got the news that i am invited to sing a song for the Bersatu games.. but it is just a recoding.. however, the problem starts with the word recording ;;;;;; I am not good in singing in a recording session. My voice sucks compared to my sister... (i look up upon her eventhough she can be such a pain to my jelly heart and creamy brain)..i am quite harsh and everyone can prove me right..whenever i sang...;... therefore, i am now (not officially) training my voice and listen to some of my recording songs in youtube.. (bapak uploaded them there.. find Suara Marhaen that's the name of the group). I think i will get better after the esther break.

3) You know what to do when you are down...
Let's take an example when i feel bad about not having any boyfriend while all my sisters have (except You-Know-Who; we're in the same league..so, YEAYYYY!).. i will go to a chat room and play around with peoples emotions.. that's fun..; the word 'play around' must be taken metaphorically.. I just chat and make myself feel important because people will buzz you for a talk in a few minutes.. you wont have to worry..Sometimes, when i am feeling down, i would just go to youtube; thanks to the internet connection here, and search for a good romantic comedy movies or cartoons.. if not i will burn my eyes reading comices in One Manga... if not, again, i will just go out and have a fresh sight seeing walk to Albert Park or Auckland Domain... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! What a life that is...

4) you will know how to control your bad behaviour (well i am still working on it!!! Arghhhh!)
I know i am a bad tempered person.. especially when i am in my most worst mood.. (notice the word 'most'; i know i am exaggerating but it's true and anyone is well informed of that)... at that time.. i won't talk to anybody because i know i WILL tend to upset them in many ways... to make it more worst-worst, i am not really good at apologizing unless its in the internet via instant messaging or emails... (mano-a-mano apologizing is the best actually and i myself would only accept a face-to-face apology.. but still, i am not choosy too..again, it depends)... For me, the best is to keep quite and at least tell somebody that you are not in the good mood and paste something on your head saying "I am UNDER THE CLOUDS, right now!!!" or "STAY AWAY!! a VOLCANO is ERUPTING"...or something like that.. i think the aucklanders would understand the latter... (FYI: Auckland city is situated directly on top of a active volcanic areas...)





Ok... i think that's all i can say about self-worth. Don't LEAVE ANY COMMENTS AS YOU WANT TO...I WOULD not REPLY THEM IN ANY WAYS... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!