Aku Seorang Pendosa

Something happened. It was not under duress but my lack of judgement and caught in the heat of the moment thing. Its true that we do bad things, we dont feel the weigh if the sins until it dawns to you that all that pleasure is nothing but pure black sin. Ya Allah, what have I done? What did I do it? I tried to figure out how did it come to that. I was there when it happened and now things escalated so quickly, I am out of breath and I feel like I am drowning. I am caught in the middle of situations in which i want something but i cant get it until I pay for the price. Still, i took the back hand and play the bad guy. Everything happened seemed like a dream, I was happy and felt relief but later I feel dread. I am scared that the wrath of Allah will be upon me. I did something wrong, now i have to compansate for my wrongdoing. I am scared of what will happen to my plans for a happy life. Why did i not just wait till the time comes and reap what i had sown? Why was I greedy? Why did I always make stupid brashful decisions? Why did i allow it to happened? Maybe Allah wants to show me, for what i really am. A bitch that dont deserve a better life, a better plan, nor a better ending. It wouldnt change a thing, even when i slap myself in the face hundreds and hundreds of times. Ya Allah, please forgive me. You the All Seer, has seen how i acted. I am so ashamed of myself. I am so so so ashamed of me. I know i cant rewind what i did and make anew, please, please Ya Allah, forgive this pitiful servant of her sins.