Hi everyone, or should I say, hi myself. Not that I expected anyone to read my blog because I don't have much of constructive things to say instead of loathing and putting misery poems. Ha-ha. I guess I am the perfect sculpture of self-imposed misery and self-pity. Yeah, I pity myself quite a lot these days. Last four days, I almost collapse and end up breaking my fast while there are only a few more hours to iftar. H, told me that I can actually fight the feeling of fainting if I really fought it. Somehow, I just like to give in and end up shivering. To be honest, I like the fact people care for me when I am sick, vice versa I hate it when there are no one care for me when I am sick. It makes me feel lonely and vulnerable. It also makes me feel that I am the most idiot person and friendless of all. Anyway, it is still my fault for not finding true meaningful friends. Now, I am grateful that I had a few friends whom I can depend on. I am still learning to understand the true nature of friendship, especially in Islam. It looks beautiful and feels blessed. Somehow, I kept on having this tide of emotion only for a few blissful moments and lastly end up condemning myself from ever engage with them. I guess that I am always alone when I want to do my evil things. ALWAYS alone.
Now that I know that I am not supposed to be alone, I want to busy myself with other productive things. I had been doing this thing before and it is proven effective. In spite of the discovery, I simply put it on the shelf with my other collections of daily Islamic experiments. I guess that I might have been a person who are easily bored with things, thus end up flunking myself back to zero. Again, I had to start all over again, but now with different strategy. I am thinking about it right now but still couldn't find any solutions so far. I know this is just part of my journey to self-discovery. I am learning and am improving. I am not what I am before nor what I am in the future. I suppose the motto I should be holding in is "Don't Give Up in Him, Coz He Never Gives Up On You". I believe this to be true coz I am still alive and in the true religion. All I have to do is try to find my way in this life to reach the equilibrium of existence. It is easier than done. Hey, not all life-journeys are bed of roses, aren't they?
For now, everyone around me kept on talking about marriage and babies. I had reached the conclusion that I already at the age. It's ok to talk about marriage and stuffs like that; however, the fact that I had no prospects of whom and where I will have my marital life is so depressing sometimes. 
Allah is covering the hijab of my marital life in such a way that I cannot see what is behind the veil. Maybe the curtain is too thick or it is actually brick walls instead of flowing curtains. Imagine that you are on the street and searching for every male faces that you've seen; hoping that among them, the one is somewhere playing hide and seek. First, you might end up being a pervert or a flirt. Second, it is too tiring like looking left and right for cars while crossing the street; every cars that passes by makes my eyes roll like these doors in the elegant hotel which turns around and around as people comes in and out. In the end, it is said in the hadith that marriage is part of what Allah had per-destined to us, so just wait coz he will eventually come. In what fashion, I don't know but that is suppose to be part of the surprise. Ha-ha (laughs meekly). Anyway, that's all for my ramblings. Hope I will not end up doing one post for a year like what I had done in 2011. Pergh, it must have been my most busiest year ever, not that I had to admit it too truthfully. :'3
