Reflection

Oct 1, 2013. Tuesday. I have many experiences in making decisions in life. Surely, some I do regret, some I dont. However, today I made another decision in life that I think is what I really need to do to save the hearts of people whom I love dearly. Sometimes, being with people that you love could hurt you and what they did, whether conscious or unconciously, could break our hearts over and over again. At times, we just do not want to open up to people close to us so that they will not be burdened with our problems and so on. I know I am rambling nonsense but I just can't find my own sanctuary to express my feelings. I am in love and wanted to be loved. But only end up heartbroken over and over again. GOD!! It hurts, eventhough in a small degree but everything seems to build up and i can't think of a place to exert my emotions. I have to distance myself with people that i love the most just so that I dont hurt myself. I know that I am a selfish bitch. But that is just me. If I cant be what I am, that should I be? Appealing to the eyes of public scrutiny or being dead wrong about everything that people seems to expect me to do and decide for myself. Oh Allah, I dont know of the things that I wanted to do for this insignificant life. It seems so hard to breath anymore as I make every steps towards maturity. Wanting to be loved by a soul mate is so out of the question. Why my life can be so depressing to the point I wanted to just run and scream with all my might to the world around me to stop fucking playing with my emotions. Why that I feel so different from others? I am not in highschool anymore but why I still feel like I am the outcast? Why I cant I have a chance to love a person that I wanted to love. Why cant everything fall into place as they suppose to like in novels and shortstories? I am so done with unpredictable conflicts and dramas? Should I pay someone to love me? Should I offer my mortality to enjoy minutes of bliss resulting a painful suffering in Hell? I cant make up my mind. It is all about decisions and what are the consequences that come after that. I have to admit, I am afraid of everthing that I have to make up my mind for. I am afraid what life has for me in the future. The word 'future' is a taboo for me. My head kept on analysing, calculating and inferencing every steps that I take and every move that I make. This is killing me from the inside that I feel like I want to burst like fireworks up in the dark sky. At times, I wish I am dead. Nothing to worry. People would not miss me that much. I had never did anything that is worth thinking about. They would think of me being nonsensical when I talk about being dead. Yes, say what you want to say. Shoot where you want to shoot. Juz keep me out of the target zone. P/s I wrote this as a draft on 1st of Oct 2013. Wow, I was so negative back then, but I am not that pessimistic anymore. People do change through time and alhamdulillah I am part of that change. I hope I could be better now that I found my love; we had a row because of my bitching attitude. I do hope Abg could forgive my selfishness and unpredictable misdemeanor. I will be better at this, I always do. INSHA ALLAH.