What I really really want..

Salam! I realized that today and the past few days ago that i actually don't know what i want. I kept on saying to my friends who have boyfriends that they should get married rather than making more maksiat.. I would be stunned when someone asks me 'Why don't you get married, instead?". Usually, i would say, i will but there is no one who really interested in me or a person that i am interested in at that time. A few days ago, there is this guy who said that he is interested in me. Like an ordinary girl, i was happy but later i was sad. He is far away from malaysia. I don't mind being away from my family but everyone around me said that i shouldn't accept him because this kind of people likes to cheat on malay girls. Sincerely, i think this guy is a good guy but i also have my own skeptical. What surprised me more, is that he agreed to marry me when i said that i don't like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.. He actually and really wants to marry me. Is it because he is now in his late 20s or he really think that i am really the one for him. Deep inside of me, i don't mind getting married early but i had my fears. I fear that my husband is fierce and likes to hit women. I am afraid that my husband don't understand me at all. I am afraid that he was pretending to be pious while he actually is a swindler. I don't want to be married to a person who would make me suffer for the rest of my life. From here, you can have a real picture why i don't want to get married. For those who knew me intimately, you would understand why i said all of those words. 

Last time, i wished people would notice me. To be specific, i want boys to notice me. I want them to listen to what i want to say and tell me that i look beautiful. For the last two weeks, i went through a makeover. I changed the way i dressed. Just like what i had predicted, when i entered the dining hall, everyone was looking at me; admire me. At first, i felt awkward. I never had people staring at me or looking at me. It feels like all the eyes are pining on my attire. I enjoyed the attention. Later, i loathe it. I can realized that people started to talk to me nicely and a guy wants to walk to class with me. I don't like it. I am used to be hated and ignored. All that i see from those days are pretense. I decided to change back to the old me. The person whom people wouldn't talk about how beautiful she is or how stylish she is. I like the old me better than the beautiful-but-unhappy me. Yes, from here, i can conclude that, people like when you are pretty and eye-catching but both would not promise much of honesty and you would feel a bit boastful but you can't help it. I think i should be repairing my attitude rather than changing the way i dressed up. People may not like to see me but they would love to talk to me if i am polite and good natured. This is proven when i try some cues of being a polite person. The result is heaven. Everyone was happy with me and i feel happy too. There is one good characteristic that i am still working on that is patience. I'd been a patient person before this, but now i feel fed up of being patient. However, now i want to plant that good attitude in me because it really helps a lot in my daily life.

I made my friends angry at me. I had to admit that i tend to make people around me hate me to the core. I am sensitive when people talk about my weaknesses in inappropriate way. I would burst and i would try to avoid this person so i would not hate he or she for that. Before this, i can handle my temper but now i can't because i can feel that everyone is comparing themselves with me. As we all know, i am not that bright and shiny. I would feel a bit down and started to feel that i am not fit to be in the position i am now. That is when i started to avoid people or being a bit rude sometimes. I was thinking that, these people should know when to be a bit tactful when talking about marks and grades. Everyone wants to be the best, at least to be on the safe side. I am one of them. If i am wrong, please talk to me in a nice way rather than scolding me. I don't like it. I tried my best not to sound patronizing when i want to correct a person; unless they are really rude and made me angry before that. I tried to be patient. Sadly, again and again i failed. I don't know whether this time it is my fault or their fault. If they talk in a nice way, i would have offer a solution. The least i can do is to think what i should do to make things better. Everyone knows that an angry person cannot think straight when he or she is angry. It is better not make a person angry or leave he or she alone until it is time to cool down. That is not hard isn't it? Well, easy to say than done....

String my Tears to a Melody

You can never run away from the past, it always manage to surprise you in ways that you could never imagine.

I had experienced something which reminds me of my dark past. Nothing was so horrible about it but I was shocked and broke down to tears after I ran away from the scene. I can't help it. The harshness and the glare makes me want to cry again and again until I feel secured and safe. I always think that I can run away from my past, somehow I can't. It came in many different forms and kept on jumping from the bushes to remind me that they are still there to lurk into my peaceful thoughts and comfort heart. Being in a new place made me feel the freedom I had always dreamed from the day the word 'hurt' and 'pain' etched in my very heart and skin. Yes, my skin are the witness of my insanity and my personality is a product of unstable mind. Everytime I tried to push the unpleasant memories away, from solid truth, they melt through my fingers and bloodied my dear soul till the abyss of my self constraint. I can't control myself anymore, so I cried and I cried. I force my strings of tears to come out until they are gone in my own lonely corner. In the dark, I can only hear my sobs and my hiccups. I don't want to show to my friend that I am sad. I can't. It is not their fault that I am this sensitive. It is not their fault I am this way. Allah made me this way so I have to be brave. I have to be patient and I have to pray. I cried His name in coarse voice "Ya Allah, please don't let me meet such people again. I am only afraid of You and only You can make this scary things go away."

Happy Burp-day didi!!!

Comments from pYzam.com

I am just a bird...

I am just a bird

which flaps its little wings

swinging in the cold autumn air

breathing heavily

"let the wind brings

me where ever she please"

i whispered in my dotted warmth

covered by tiny strands of feathers

the wind is so cold

but my heart is colder

should i perch on a shoulder

of this person?

; he looks so kind

i flew 

he shooed

i flew again

he walked away

i am just a bird

shivering in the autumn air

colder as it seems

colder as my heart grieves..

-20/4/2010_20:42pm-

Frustration is my key to anger..

I don't really know what i should say over here. I am angry and sad at the same time. First, the guy that i liked had a girlfriend. Second, someone that i love give me an uneasy comment about my attempt during the holiday while i wished for a compliment. Third, I didn't get a good mark for the assignment that i received. 

Let's talk about the first one.

1) I had liked this particular person for so long. I don't even had a nerve to talk to him when i am with him. When i am able to, i got to know that he got someone special. Of course she is much prettier than me.. probably much more smarter and brilliant than me. Even though i am in a foreign university, i am still not that excellent.. (i'll explain this later in the third statement.) What am i lack of? why is it so hard to have someone i like to like me back? Am i too fierce? Am i too untactful? am i not flirtatious? i hate this damn feeling that i am not in the state of being liked. I want to please people around me.... for girls.. i think in that area i am just ok.. but for boys... they are hard for me to please.. I am like the north magnet meeting one of its kind when i am near a boy or a group of boys.... i am starting to hate them more when they didnt talk to me and greet the person beside me rather than i. Am i not friendly enough? do i always had a sulky face when i walk?..... i do try to greet them, but some of them dont seem like to do it. Over here, i dont have anyone that i liked the most other than the guy i talked about earlier. Honestly, i want to have that feeling again. the feeling to love and hopefully the feeling to be loved back. I do have someone i dislike; he kept staring at me and i had a feeling that he likes me. But the problem is i dont like him and i hate to the notion of being liked by him.... for me it is disgusting and revolting at the same time... now, i got the feeling that he tries to be near to me during lectures and others.. owh, please!!!! i really hate it.. he looks like half stalker and half colleagues at the same time... I used to say that i dont care about not having someone to be affectionate to; however, i really want to have one... him liking me and i liking him.... guess everything that i want, will never come true.. 

2) About the second thing that i feel angry and sad about is pertaining to the person that i loved dearly. this person never compliment me whenever i wished for one. Sometimes this person does it, sometimes doesn't. At this moment i really need some compliments or praises just to make me feel better and appreciate my talents while i still can.. I still can't believe i am taking the line of work i am now.. it feels so wrong like i don't belong here at all.. everything that i do and had done show that i am not cut out for this kind of occupation.... i lost my hopes and aspirations.. i don't know where to look anymore.. i can't even look at myself in the mirror too long because i realize that i am so different from all of my friends; looks, personality, intelligences and communication abilities and etc.. at least some encouragement from someone that i love would make me feel a warm ray of light in today's cold windy autumn. I feel so cold inside and am colder due to the weather. Even if i take a hot shower, i will end up cold again. I need a prime reason for me being here.. i had never made up my mind yet on what i want to do with my life.. i always turn to other people when it comes to making decisions.. i am afraid to fail, but still i fail even though i follow others.. maybe i follow others because i had someone to blame when i fall flat on the floor. maybe i follow others because i want them to solve the problem and just wait and follow them again for what ever the solution they come up with. Whether the people that i love are near or far.. for me it is just the same..... same goes if i am to pour my hearts out in here or to another person.. i still think that nothing changed... I want an impact or a turning point where i am 100% determine to make the best in everything i do... when will i have that? I don't know... I am tired of my life right now.. i just feel like moving to another places and do what i really want to do... (sing, knit, crocheting, gardening, cooking, tailoring.... these are the things that i believe i am good at)... would that be nice.. but it would be nicer if the people that i love support everything that i want to do rather than laughing at me and criticize me for being "silly" and my talents are not "worth the money". The job that i am going to be in the future is not that bad, to be honest. I love teaching other people but i think i am more on being a personal tutor rather than a teacher for 20-50 students per class.. i had a feeling that i can't handle it.. i can't communicate well with other people esp males; so, that is one of the minuses. If only someone could give me an idea on how i am to lead my life, i would really appreciate that. 

3) I didn't get a satisfactory mark for my assignment.. i am so down because it is the only assignment that i really pour my whole effort in.. i did the same mistake again.. i am being too general in answering the questions and never think forward but more on "what will happen/ you do now". Presently, i am too afraid to know the result of the other assignments that i had handed in. how i wish that i can be better than now.. and how i wish even more that i know how to make it better.. and i want to be able to do what i want to do; just to add on the wishing list.

         in the end, i still am feeling not-so-good right now after all of this typing and extracting my emotions in this blog.. like i said earlier.. nobody read this plain.. dull... not-so-interesting blog.. therefore, i am writing this for my dear Allah swt and myself as a self-improvement and future reference.... i dont want any comment.. damn.. of course there is no comment when there is nobody interested in reading your blog 2toes... well, i dun care... and y should i care now... i care about me and myself.. (it is the same thing dummy).. :'3